BREAKING REPORT: Hillary Clinton Dead By Her Pool In New York

Reports from the Westchester, New York Fire Department say that a woman near 70 at Hillary Clinton’s address who residents chose not to identify was dead when paramedica arrived. There was no 911 call, but the call did go out over the emergency channel:

“ME van needed at [redacted] to pronounce and remove one Jane Doe approximately 70. Unresponsive with no pulse, no response to CPR.”

The media won’t run with the story because they’re afraid it might turn out to be some maid or something, but LLOD’s Skip Tetheluda managed to get close enough to confirm that Bill and Chelsea are both on site and comforting each other.

Skip tells us the body is in a lounge chair by the pool and covered in a yellow sheet:

“It certainly seems that the body in question is Hillary Clinton. From the size and shape you can see that it’s a female about her dimensions. One hand can be seen; the victim is white. There is no blood or other sign of trauma anywhere near the body.”

As of now we’re assuming that Clinton had some kind of a cardiac event or a stroke and passed away while sunning by the pool. If this is the case, Hitler just got a buddy to play checkers with in hell.

About Flagg Eagleton 584 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.