Johnny Depp Goes Into Cardiac Arrest During Interrogation, In Critical Condition At Mercy

Investigators say Johnny Depp had barely been processed and wasn’t even in his orange jumpsuit yet when he was rushed to Mercy Hospital after suffering a heart attack. A spokesman for the CIA said he was sitting calmly during his intake interview, which is mostly administrative questions:

“There was nothing strange at all untill he looked at me with a smile and said, ‘Alluhu Akbar.’ Right then his eyes rolled back and I knew something was wrong. At first we had to be concerned with some kind of a pathogen attack until the defibrilator revived him.”

Depp is unconscious and his prognosis for the next 24 hours is touch and go, says Dr. Orin McDonald, MD, EI, DDS, EIO:

“He suffered a significant event. It looks like he may have ingested something in the area of digitalis. If he makes it another day he’ll likely be out of the woods. He’s been downgraded from critical to guarded.”

That’s not good news for investigators, who probably have a good reason to find out exactly how someone as high profile as Johnny Depp was radicalized. It is good news for Hell…they get a fresh new soul that thought it had 72 virgins waiting.

Virgin pineapples for your butt, Captain Sparrow. Hope the fame was worth it.



About Flagg Eagleton 594 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.