Donald Trump Wins Title Of ‘Smartest Man Alive’

A group of science deniers, creationists and oil tycoons have gotten together to determine that Donald Trump is, in fact, the smartest man alive. The mathematical formula used to make the final determination is said to be so complicated that only Trump himself can truly understand it.

According to Pat Robertson, head of the committee on really smart people for the Christian right, Trump shows brain power not seen since the time of Jesus Christ himself. Robertson said:

“Had Christ had the wisdom that Trump has shown picking his cabinet and disseminating his message, he may have been able to avoid crucifixion and instead negotiated a deal to forgive us our sins.”

When asked, Trump agreed with the sentiment, saying that Jesus made possibly the worst deal ever on that one and that had he been in charge we’d have all had credit for future sins as well. He said that when his time as President is over he’s not opposed to running for Pope so he can drain the Vatican swamp, too.

Once Robertson and the brain trust of the Christian world unanimously decided that Trump was smarter than all of them put together, his candidacy was sent to the science deniers’ committee, which is basically Louie Gohmert’s Tuesday night poker and AA group. They all concluded that it took a genius to get white nationalists to vote for a racist agenda. They also noted that Trump’s ability to see that the intellectually challenged love to hate Muslims, Mexicans and women turned what could have been an honest, decent election into the kind of reality show the dumbasses of America have waited decades to participate in.

Once the Gohmert Trust had named their man it was on to the oil tycoons for the final vote. They each received a folder with Trump’s credentials, an essay on why government regulation is bad — written by Ivanka — and a check for $5 million as payment to sign a pledge to render an unbiased opinion in favor of Mr. trump.

In the end, Trump beat out the typical crew of “brainiac” elites like Steven Hawking and Neil Degrasse Tyson. When asked what he thought of the decision, Trump said:

“I was a little surprised that I beat Bill Nye and that girl from Blossom, but the vote was very fair, and in all reality, I built one of the smartest smart companies in the world. The kind of smart we’re talking about didn’t exist until I came along and I and I alone can continue the smartness by passing it on to my children, who are also smart, smart smarties.”

The last Republican to win the “smartest man alive” award was George W. Bush, who created the panel of experts that makes the decision.

About Flagg Eagleton 594 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.