BREAKING: You’ll Never Believe Who Just Bought The FAKE NEWS New York Times

The New York Times, which has been failing since Donald Trump was elected and people began to realize they nothing but fake news for the left, was sold today to avoid bankruptcy. Rather than see the celebrated news outlet turned into but a memory, it will be restructured by the new owners, none other than Rupert Murdoch.

Murdoch, who has vowed to bring the same kind of integrity to the hallowed publication as his beloved Fox News, promises to never again report on the negativity the rest of the mainstream media, aka the opposition party, reports about our President:

The opposition loves to take President Trump’s words, phrases and interviews and report on them verbatim, rather than deciphering what he actually MEANT to say. You can’t just take a quote from somebody and say, ‘hey, this is what he said, now let’s tun with it.’ Sometimes you have to add context. That’s what Fox News does so well and what the New York Times will be doing as well.”

Other improvements to the Times will be the removal of the editorial section in favor of a daily report directly from the White House Information and Propaganda Office, the addition of a 12-page comic section and an entirely new magazine for today’s conservative retiree, sponsored by Hoveround.

Murdoch says he’s extremely happy with the company he chose to manage the content, which happens to be run by Donald Jr. and Eric Trump. President Trump has no stake in the company because of an obvious conflict of interest.

The free press is finally turning into exactly what it should be: the voice of our leader.

About Flagg Eagleton 584 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.