BREAKING: Trump Names His Press Secretary And Liberals Are Already Crying

Trump has decided who will be the official face of his White House. In the past, Presidents have chosen someone fairly unknown who the press can’t tear apart so they can focus on delivering the President’s message. Trump is taking that one step further.

Trump’s press secretary will be his Son Eric’s college roommate’s sister’s cousin Jeff, a business major who switched to journalism in his final year before dropping out to audition for Cats. He didn’t get the part. For the past 11 years he’s worked in the mail room at Trump’s great company sorting letters, never once missing a day or taking a vacation. Rumor has it that’s because he’s sleeping with the supervisor’s daughter, Vicky, but that’s neither here nor there.

Without any scandals to call him on and no last name to search him on Google, Jeff will handle the business of Press secretary differently from those who have held the position in the past. Rather than daily briefings and a gaggle of reporters to deal with, Jeff will instead check the spelling on President Trump’s tweets and hit the little blue button.

President-Elect Trump made the announcement from Trump Tower just minutes ago:

“I’m pleased to announce that there will be many great changes to how the White house communicates with the people. We will use Twitter, Intagram and occassionally Facebook while maintaining the utmost of professionalism by having Jeff check for unpresidented spelling errors before hitting send.”

Some Americans are leery of The Donald’s desire to eliminate the free press in America, but most of his supporters are far too dumb to understand what’s really going on and think the Twitter President will be the coolest thing since¬†Bush dubbed himself “The Decider.”


About Flagg Eagleton 594 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.