BREAKING: Obama’s Secret Service Detail Walks Off The Job, Faces Jail Time, Says They Don’t Care

Obama’s Secret Service detail has had just about enough of him. According to sources, they want to be treated the same way Trump treats his private security goons. Unless the government renegotiates their contract with certain things included, they say they’re all done serving him and will gladly face the 60 days in jail for dereliction of duty.

A few of the things the agents want added to their contract include free Big Macs and fries on Thursdays, access to the pool and gym at Trump Tower and the right to look, act and feel superior to their female counterparts. One agent, Ricky Mandino, said he thought it would be nice of he could grab them by the pussy every once in a while:

“I mean…it’s obviously acceptable in New America. Since Trump was elected Supreme Leader I’ve been teaching my boys to grab pussy at will. It’s their birth right as well-off, entitled, white Christian males.”

Other agents want to stop running beside the limo and don’t think it’s fair that they have to jog ¬†just because the President does. “Trump hasn’t run more than 7 steps toward a podium in 40 years, and that’s the way we like it,” said Senior Agent Johnny Langoustine, “who does this Obama guy think he is asking good men to stay in shape just for him?”

In other news, the Secret Service has actually served and protected our President admirably for 8 years, handling more actionable threats against a sitting president than ever before. It’s highly unlikely that Trump, who won’t have every racist in America calling for his head because of the color of his skin when Benghazi happened, will face much actual threat other than his own demise due to infamously stupid tweets.

About Flagg Eagleton 594 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.