BREAKING: Hillary Clinton Suffers Heart Attack While Standing In Line At Her Favorite Store

Hillary Clinton was standing in line at Whole Foods waiting for a mango and beet root smoothie when she suffered what her doctor is calling a “minor cardiac event.” Bystanders in the area gave her aspirin off the shelf and an asparagus water to wash them down, which EMT Roger Niederfeld says may have saved her life:

“Her pee may smell for a day or two but she’s lucky people were alert enough to recognize how to save a life.”

Whole Foods released a statement on the incident within minutes:

“Whole Foods is grateful that Secretary Clinton is OK and expected to recover fully. We’ve decided to waive her outstanding bill for the smoothie, which was already made, the aspirin and the asparagus water. We think brushing off $31 is well worth the positive publicity.”

The Butcher of Benghazi is currently resting comfortably at Westchester Memeorial with a ridiculous amount of taxpayer-funded security surrounding her. Her lead Secret Service agent says the event still hasn’t been cleared as non-suspicious because the lab results aren’t in.

Meanwhile, the families of somewhere between 40 and 100 families are waiting with baited breath for the good news that she’s finally going to meet her maker for real justice.

About Flagg Eagleton 594 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.