BREAKING: Elizabeth Warren’s Son Just Got Away With Murder

It must be nice to be the rich and powerful son of a United States Senator. Just ask Richard, Elizabeth Warren’s son from her second marriage. Richard was playing some basketball with friends after work when the game got heated and the next thing you know, a quick thrust to a young man’s throat and the game was over…forever.

Larry Sigmund of Oak Bluff died when Warren’s son used his knowledge of martial arts — he’s a black belt — to kill him almost instantly by crushing his larynx, causing him to asphyxiate and die. Richard said the contact was an accidental hand thrown in anger during the course of a sporting event. There’s no way a lawyer came up with that or anything.

The way it looks right now, after a phone call to the local DA from Senator Warren, her son, Richard, won’t be charged and a man’s family will never see justice or even get to face their loved one’s killer in court.

Meanwhile, Warren’s office released a statement that basically told the world to f*ck off:

“I made a phone call and advocated for my son. Who among you wouldn’t do the same?”

The case still has to go through typical processing, but as of now, it’s over. Richard got away with murder. At 31-years-old, it’s just about the only thing he’s ever accomplished.

About Flagg Eagleton 584 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.