BREAKING: Body Found In Arkansas Is Bill Clinton’s Love Child

A body found in Arkansas has been identified as 8-year-old Michael Ascott, a boy who went missing more than 30 years ago. His mother, Marie, died of cancer a year after he went missing and the case, which had nobody to pursue it, went cold. Little Michael Ascott was forgotten.

That was until this morning when the coroner who has had his body, which was found nearly a month ago by a creek in the small town of Tinfred, Arkansas, got the results back from his DNA test. The boy is a 99.7% match for being the child of William Jefferson Clinton. His mother was a poor woman who had no assets or bank accounts and her illness was already in late stages when Michael went missing.

Without a suspect, a motive or parents to pursue justice, there was no investigation. The boy went into the county cold case files. This morning, the case was officially reopened, as local police want to know just how much Clinton knew. Marie Ascott’s medical bills were all paid by an anonymous donor and while she was reportedly a poor woman, she never applied for any public assistance. Deputy Ross Coltrain¬†of the Divinity County Sheriff’s Department told reporters:

“If Mr. Clinton knew about the child and was paying her bills, why did he never ask that the case be pursued? It don’t make a whole lotta sense to us. We think there’s more here than meets the eye.”

What meets the eye is that Bill Clinton had a love child and had him killed when he realized the kid’s mom was going to die and he might get stuck with him. He probably either didn’t want another child to compete with Chelsea or he didn’t want his wife to find out. There’s also the possibility that it was her decision once the truth did come out.

One thing is certain: with the DNA evidence linking the kid to the Clintons, there will be questions that need to be answered.

About Flagg Eagleton 594 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.